Who am I to not love You?

By: Uel Ceballos

In a humid, claustrophobic dungeon,

In floor of mire, I sat alone.

My weeping bounces off in the wall made of stone.

Tears are my water, silence is my companion.

I rip my clothes in sorrow.

I shave my head in shame.

I’m nothing but a disappointment,

I’m a sinner.

No one loves me except You.

You stretch out your hand with tears on Your face.

You bath me with Your own blood.

I come out clean; not the same person I used to be.

You stretch out Your hands and You struggle.

I reach out for it and I see the reason.

You stretch out Your hands in the cross for me;

To free me out from the dungeon; to take me out of the darkness.

While my tears are my water, yours is the bitter wine.

My suffering is nothing compared from yours.

Who am I to not love you when you have given us your all?

Just come and make your presence felt; it's all that He asked of you.

I live in Quezon City; but every March of the year I travelled to Taguig to rehearse for SADTC’s (St. Anne Dance & Theatre Co.) “Daan ng Dalamhati.” It’s a holy week presentation of Jesus’ way to the cross. “Daan ng Dalamhati” is a combination of songs, dances, and skit that lead everyone to contemplate on each station.

I used to perform in the theatre shows of Action-ARNAI, thus when they first invited me last year to take part in SADTC’s (same people composed the two groups) “Daan ng Dalamhati” I answered “Yes” right away. When they asked me last month if I’d be joining again this year I only let 2 seconds passed before I gave my YES! I was asked to take part on this annual performance for Jesus Christ; who am I to refuse this great privilege? I was called to perform; who am I to not heed? All through the year I lived a grace-filled life; who am I to not give back to Him?

The people in Action-ARNAI/SADTC are all good and talented people. I love them and they love me more than twice in return. Sometimes I wonder why they are so nice to me. What have I done to deserve such kind of treatment? When I arrived they would all greet me with wide grin on their faces, “Hi tiyang (they really mean ate Uel),” – okay, they may be a little naughty, for teasing me tiyang though I’m not yet that old to be called as such but they are good-hearted and jolly people. Their dedication to their craft and to their service to the Lord is incomparable. Last year when Tita Bunny first asked me she also added, “Uel, sali ka sa Daan ng Dalamhati namin, para lalo ka pang ma-bless.” You see how generous and thoughtful they are?! They want to extend the blessings to the other people like me. They want me to receive even more blessings too!

The preparation for “Daan ng Dalamhati” usually takes 1-2 month. Rehearsal is almost every night from 7PM to 11PM. This is a community project so unlike any other theatrical performances, this one has no compensation; a labour of love. You are performing not merely for the passion but for your love to God. I live in QC so I travel at 4 or 5PM to get there on time. It takes me one tricycle, three jeepneys, and one MRT ride for one way trip so just double the numbers and those are the rides I take in all. Rehearsal ended at 11PM. I’d start to travel home around 11:30PM and I’ll reach home at 1:30 to 2AM. The kinds of dances we do here in DnD are contemporary and extensive dances; limbs are stretched, skins are sometimes bruised, and bones are challenged. I can say “No” to them since I have a church near us where I also serve in ministry but why do I still take these extra sacrifices? One night, Tita Rolly told us to not look at DnD as penitential act but rather as devotion. Even so, why make myself endure the hassle of rush hours and late-night wakefulness? The answer: because even if I multiply this act 2 or 3 times more, it’s still nothing compared to what the Lord has done for me. He gave up His only son to wash away my sins. Jesus died for me. That’s too much to ask but Jesus took all the beating and persecution, because He loves me. The Father and Son love me.

Every time I attend a rehearsal, a dinner would be served. Before I go they would provide me a transportation fare. Last time Tita Nina gave me a new Jazz Shoes. A dancing Jazz shoes – I’ve been a dancer for more than five years now but never did I have a Jazz shoes! Just imagine how my heart jumped in so much joy. Sometimes I’m already feeling embarrassed because they’ve been treating me special; so special that I don’t feel like I deserve any of it.I feel ashamed of myself because at some point there were those times that I became greed and insensitive of other people's need. Yet, here are great people from SADTC, treating me nicely and kindly; here I am receiving so much grace. I came to realize one thing: I just need to attend and give time and they will take care of the rest -- food, transpo allowance, etc. My presence is all that matters. At that moment I suddenly heard the voice of the Lord, “Uel, I’ll take care of everything that you need. Just come. Because your presence matters to me. I want to see you using that gift that I gave you. I'd be happy to watch you perform.” 

In another moment of our lives, the Lord will say to us the same lines. "Come to me. Just come", "Use your gift child. I'm proud of you", "Your presence matters". All that He asked of us is to come and make our presence felt. He will provide all the rest that we need -- a shower of blessings and grace. All that we just need to do is come to Him. Just come to Him.

            

We Are Called To Forgive

Last night I was troubled by my thoughts that kept on flashing back to that one darkest chapter of my life. It caused today my ugly, dark, and nightmarish eye bags that tinted my ever beautiful, angelic face (okay this would be my last lie for today). What made me restless was the thought of seeing again this person whom I don’t want to see anymore; whom I hate to see, that by just remembering his face would already send my stomach turning upside down. I hate him to the marrow of my bones and it’s not an exaggeration. It’s the plain truth.

My encounter to this person whom I met five years ago was among the greatest trials that I had in life. The pain it gave has drilled into me the life’s greatest lessons, of which I would never forget. I trusted this man and almost believed in the surreal possibilities of a good relationship. I was just actually hoping for nothing because it was clear as the water that we were just hanging out on the cliff, and we were bound to fall in the abyss – ah wait no, I WAS BOUND TO THE ENDLESS DEPTH OF THE ABYSS and he was up there by the edge. When I finally realized it I have touched down the bottom with a loud crash – with bones cracked and flesh bruised. I lost myself to this guy and I was left alone as the damaged goods at the end. At that point of my life I felt like a worthless, lifeless creature trapped within the figure of weaved flesh and bones. I didn’t even see myself as a human after all. I was in my lowest, downiest state. The experience was so traumatic that it took me five years before I manage to write this experience.

That was the moment that I first died but I was born again through the Holy Spirit. Though not literally but deep inside I knew I was born again in faith, hope, and love. This love is not the earthly love but the divine love given to us by the God the Father, the love that He sent to the world to wash away our sins and save us from the death and fire of hell. This love is Jesus. In the darkness I went seeking the light and in there, Jesus revealed Himself to me, He lighted up my world and washed me away from the mud of sins.

It took me time to recover; quite a long painstaking time of healing and recuperating. But it was all worth it because I know by now I was healed from the wounds of the past. However, there’s still that bit of hatred at one tiny confused corner of my heart. Or perhaps it isn’t hatred after all but my own fear; the fear of being back to that dark pit that stinks of sins. So I prayed harder because I know that’s the only way that I could get through this. While contemplating on this now, two verses have made it to my ever clogged up, messy brain. First, is the verse which I saw posted on the timeline of my brother:

Get rid of all bitterness, passion, and anger. No more shouting or insults, no more hateful feelings or any sort. Instead, be kind and tender-hearted to one another, and forgive one another, as God has forgiven you through Christ. (Eph 4:31-32)

            It isn’t all that easy, is it? Forgiving the person who hurt you and led you into sins. Instead of forgiving that person, you would rather despise him and wish him to rot in hell. But what if God does the same to us? God has all the reasons to hate us because of our sins. What if He does the same thing – despising us and sending us to burn in hell. What if He doesn’t forgive? The Good News is He does forgive. And that we should too. It’s not an easy thing I know – well, I should know. But it’s part of the whole process of healing. Unless we forgive, we will not be healed. In my case, perhaps I have already forgiven this person but not myself. Thus, I’m healed but not 100%.  Now if you’ll ask me what I will do when I come across with this person again, the answer is I still don’t know. May the Lord guide me at that time and teach me the right thing to do. Would it be best to sit down and put a closure to a long open-ended story? What if he’s still the same person? It would be wrong for me to judge him but you can’t blame me. However, I know now I can talk to him about our past and perhaps this is all what we need to do – to affirm the forgiveness. May the Lord be with us when that time comes.

Keep watch and pray that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. (Mt 26:41)

I have mentioned earlier about my fear of being drawn back to the dark pit. I fear for

such things to happen because I do not trust myself. We, humans are capable of things we have never imagined, both great and worst things. We are fragile to temptation therefore we mustn’t deal with it but do all means to avoid it. However, there comes a time that we are caught up in difficult situation and we got nothing to rely on but our self control. I have proven it effective over time that self control is strengthened by everyday prayers and devotion. It is like a plant that needs to be watered on a regular basis, it is like a human body that needs to be nourished. For your self control to be firm, you’ll need to feed your soul everyday with the words of God because when temptations got you cornered, the Holy Words will be your strongest armour.

            Now that I have realized it, I’m more relieved now. My worries are gone. I’m not alone. I know Jesus will never let me down. May God be with us always. Amen.

Blessed by the Pope ~ We Love You Lolo Kiko!

THE PEOPLE’S POPE

Photo credits to assets.rappler.com

Until now I’m still overwhelmed by the pontiff’s 5-day state and pastoral visit to our country. This morning as I watched his motorcade taking the way to Villamor Air Base, I feel like a seven year old child feeling sad as her grandpa is waving goodbye to her. Yes, that’s exactly how I feel. Within me, there’s a voice saying, “I’m gonna miss you paps, please be back very soon.”

I won’t mind feeling this Pope Francis’ fever until forever – because the Pope’s effect on me is so divine and inspiring. It gives me the strange chill, that whenever I look at him or listen to his words, I’m filled by the Holy Spirit. I’m truly inspired by his holiness and his call for us Filipinos, to be missionary disciples of Jesus. He keeps reminding us that he is not the focus of this visit but Jesus Christ, and his words really touched each and everyone, reminding us all that Jesus is never letting us down and never will He ever let us down. I think that the Pope Francis’s effect is coming from the One that he represents. The holiness in him is overflowing that we get to share with this divine experience. We are drawn, we are affected, and we are touched.

Even before his arrival to the Philippines I’m already filled with so much excitement. That moment he arrived, when I saw his face peering through the airplanes’ window, I couldn’t help smiling and adoring the cute pope. He was smiling as he glanced outside where thousands of people were eagerly waiting to see and meet him. I was only watching on TV but I was affected by his contagious smile. Imagine all the people wearing that Pope Francis’ smile, what a peaceful world it would surely be!

I’m no longer a TV person but during the 5-day visit of Pope our TV has become active every day for 5 consecutive days. I kept up with all his activities from his first mass at the Manila Cathedral up to the send off coverage where I felt a strong emotional attachment, realizing to myself that I’m more than just a fan but I truly love Pope Francis deep within my heart. Who would not love this Pope who smiles so genuine and sincerely, who humbles himself in front of the many, who never judges the sinners but loves them instead? Indeed, Pope Francis is sacredly living in the Holy presence of God, in the Words of Jesus, in the presence of the Holy Spirit. And that divine truth is what makes him into a superb rockstar.

SUPERB EXPERIENCE, A GRACE-FILLED DAY AT QUIRINO GRANDSTAND

SPPSC laid their mats in front of the museum
Photo credits to Kuya Gerson Ranario

With our transparent bags and packed foods, the St. Peter Parish Shrine Choir camped overnight at the Luneta Park Saturday night. We wished to get a good spot on the concluding mass of the Pope so we got there as early as the night before. We arrived 10PM and found the areas around the statue of Lapu-Lapu almost jam packed with people who were planning the same thing: to be among the firsts to enter when the gate to grandstand opened at 6AM.

Picture time while waiting for the dawn
Photo credits to Kuya Gerson Ranario

We spread our mats in front of Museum of the Filipino People and in just few minutes the areas near us were also filled with many campers. People were nonstop from coming and the line to comfort rooms were unimaginably long. At 4AM we packed up and started walking towards the gate. At that time there was already a traffic congestion of people, who were shoulder to shoulder, skin to skin, and moving in a very slow speed. I didn’t know exactly at what time did the gate opened but around 5AM the slow pacing of the people improved. As expected of the always hyper Filipinos, everyone was anxious to get on the gate and there were surges of the crowd. You didn’t have to make an effort at all to move forward because you’d be carried away by the rush of people. When we got passed the scanner gate, the pace got slower again and this time was much challenging as it got harder to pass through the heavy swell of people in the area. The sluggish speed was even made slower by the people who did not proceed forward. Many had just laid their mats there, barring the path to walk on.

We persisted and cautiously squeezed our way through. From time to time we were hearing some groups shouting, “Medic! Medic!” It meant someone passed out and in need of medical attention. After we crossed the street going towards the Rizal Park the thick mob finally loosen up. We took the time to breathe and waited for our other companions who were left behind. People passed us by in haste, all racing to the grandstand area where the quadrants were close to being filled. We were quite confused because back in the scanner gate we encountered some people who were turning back. They said they had reached the grandstand and found it full already. But then it seemed like there were still spaces to occupy up there in the front because the people were still moving forward.

Photo credits to Richard Combenido

We reunited with our colleagues in front of the Chinese Garden. Being stressed by the active pack of believers, and fearing the possibilities of stampede, many of us had decided to just stay and get a spot near the huge monitor that was set up in the area. I understood their main concerns. Safety should always come first. But personally I really wanted to proceed; I wanted to try because there might be some little space left there for me in the upfront. One of my choimates, Sef, said he wanted to go and I said I wanted too. So we decided to try our luck and pushed our way through the swarm of the crowd.

It was a hard endeavour, squeezing through and squashing ourselves in the midst of other hopefuls. Every time we passed a tight gate there was always the surge of relief within us. It was like we were oxygenated after being choked up. Then another gateway would be braved and we would experience again the same feeling.

Photo credits to assets.rappler.com

Finally we made it to the grandstand and it was so much joy for us. With our legs and feet crying in pain, arms bruised, and body soaking in sweat, we luckily found a quadrant in the back area. The front was already filled but it was fine to be at the back, as long as it was within a quadrant where portalets were available. We spread our mat and took some rest. It was only 8:30AM by then and there were still long hours ahead of us before the holy mass. The line in the portalets was terribly long especially the line for the girls. I waited 2 hours before I came back to our spot and it was starting to drizzle already. We took our raincoat and enjoyed the light tapping of rain to our ponchos but in few hours the rain had poured out. It was around 12NN, still 3 hours before the Pope arrived. We were freezing in cold; our hands soaked in the rain, pale white and wrinkled. Our bags drenched and our shoes got a swimming pool inside where our feet were drowning. But we stayed and waited. And we didn’t mind waiting in the rain. The faith of the Filipinos is indeed, waterproof. No rainstorm could ever stop us.

SINGING AND DANCING IN THE RAIN

Photo credits to newsinfo.inquirer,net
http://newsinfo.inquirer.net/files/2015/01/0119Luneta.jpg

I’ve always fancied singing and dancing in the rain and the grandstand experience granted me this. The concluding mass of Pope Francis coincided with the Sinulog Feast so some of the attendees had brought their model of Sto. Nino. The emcee led the rehearsal of the Sinulog dance as preparation for the arrival of the Pope. It was followed by the rehearsal of the songs for the Holy Mass. Some might not find the emcee’s way amusing as he made the whole thing as entertaining as he could make it, such as teaching to the people the “Francis’ Wave”. It was the usual wave activity wherein the people waved their arms up from left to right, and the wave would be done in group from left to right as well. I’ve read some bashers wherein they thought the emcee had disturbed the solemnity of the event. While I shared with them the belief that the event was meant to be solemn, I quiet disagreed with the statement that the emcee had ruined it. We even prayed the rosary in between the rehearsal of the Sinulog dance and the Mass Songs. So how could they say that the emcee turned the event into a “Showtime” entertainment? In fact, it helped us to somehow stand the cold and the trembling that overpowering us. Standing there under the rain without moving or doing anything was a terrible suffering. But we endured it and when we go dancing the Sinulog dance the coldness was somehow lessened if not totally eased. The “Francis’ Wave” was also amusing that it diverted our attention from chilling to participating in the waving activity. I don’t think the bashers would say such a thing if they have stood there under the rain for long hours.

PAPA FRANCISCO, MAHAL NG PILIPINO!

Photo credits to newsinfo.inquirer.net

At 3PM Pope Francis arrived in his jeep-inspired pope mobile and the crowd became energetic and alive. The loud cheering of the people was the kind of merriment that I have never heard before. It wasn’t a fake or pretentious applause. The joyfulness was straight from the heart. And by just hearing the cheer of the crowd I’ve already had goose bump and tear-jerking emotion within me. Without seeing yet the pope but hearing only the people shouting, “We love you Pope Francis” I was already touched by what this good pope has done to Filipinos. He uplifted our spirit. He renewed our faith. And yes when he passed by our area the crowd was applauding and teary-eyed, you can feel the love that was coming from their heart because you feel it in your own heart too. And in there my emotional attachment to Lolo Kiko was made even stronger.

Pope Francis waved and smiled and he really glowed in personal. I thought he glowed only in photos because of the lighting effects but no, at that time, I saw him glowed in his pope mobile. It was normal for a white skin person to glow especially when he wore bright coloured apparel and under the strong lighting of the sun. But there was no sun at that time, and yet he glowed. I believed that was the Holy Spirit that was in him.

There was a moment of silence before the Holy Mass started. I must admit that I found it hard to concentrate to the mass due to the coldness that was killing me inside. But I have braved my way to get in there, and there should be no reason for me to not brave the remaining hours under the rain. I struggled focusing to the mass and I did it. In spite the trembling, teeth-chattering cold, I finished the mass and was blessed. It made me realized one thing though. The path to holiness is not an easy trail. We are all called to be holy but no one said it would be undemanding and trouble-free. There are lots of sacrifices to be made but it will all be worth it at the end. I realized it because through Pope Francis I got more inspired to devote myself to ministry, to serve the Lord with all my heart, with all my life. But yes, that day in the grandstand reminded me that it won’t be easy but it will all be worth it.

Here on earth there are many obstructions to our faith. We slide back to sins, we lose ourselves to human desire, and we forget the purpose of our beings. But through Jesus Christ we are redeemed and He’s never giving up on us, He’s never letting us down even though we did let Him down at some point in our lives. That day opened my eyes to the reality that the road to strong faith is not the smoothly cemented road with lush greenery and rich fauna on the side, but a rocky, steep, and often slippery road, that made us a survival at the end of the difficult journey. What I’m trying to say here is that there would be many things in the future that will challenge our faith and slide us back to being sinners, but we must get up after each fall, learn the lessons it taught us, and continue moving forward with Jesus Christ. There is no other way to do it, but with and through Jesus Christ. And that’s what Pope Francis keeps on reminding us.

WALANG SINUMAN ANG NABUBUHAY PARA SARILI LAMANG

The mass has ended and Archbishop Socrates Villegas delivered his speech of gratitude to our beloved Pope Francis. Every word spoken was true and sincere from the heart. I knew that we all shared with the same message that Archbishop Soc had given to Lolo Kiko. He indeed, is our sunshine in the rain. And yes, we are inspired by his call for us Filipinos to be missionary disciples of Jesus Christ. It has inspired me even more, fire up my heart to be a humble servant of Christ, and help in spreading the Gospel of Jesus’ love and salvation. It was a heartfelt speech of gratitude because this is what we really wanted to say to Pope Francis. There was again a loud cheering from the crowd and when the candles were lighted and the song “Tell the World of His Love” was sang, the whole Luneta was filled by the Holy Spirit. I knew it because I felt it and I knew the rest of the people had felt it too. The Holy Spirit was there, guiding us, uplifting us, renewing us.

Another emotional moment was when the “Pananagutan” was sung and Pope Francis started roaming around the grandstand in his pope mobile. Rosaries and handkerchiefs were waved in the air, hands raised up high, and the people were cheering at the top of their lungs. It was an overwhelming, tear-jerking experience, cheering and proclaiming the faith while hearing one of the most meaningful songs in the Catholic Church:

Walang sinuman ang nabubuhay para sa sarili lamang

Walang sinuman ang namamatay para sa sarili lamang

Tayong lahat ay may pananagutan sa isa’t isa

Tayong lahat ay tinipon ng Diyos na kapiling Niya

This encounter with Papa Francisco is a moment to cherish for a lifetime. I’m changed and renewed. I’m more inspired to remember and live by his teachings, etching them deeply into my heart. After the 5 Day stay of Pope Francis in the Philippines, I’m made stronger in my faith and for this I’m more inspired to be a missionary disciple of our brother Jesus Christ, our brother in the Lord our God, our Father. 

Thank you Pope Francis for giving us all the high the we need to uplift our spirit, our faith, our devotion to Jesus Christ. Mahal ka ng Pilipino! Mabuhay Ka! Mabuhay si Hesukristo na nasa Ating lahat! Amen.