We Are Called To Forgive

Last night I was troubled by my thoughts that kept on flashing back to that one darkest chapter of my life. It caused today my ugly, dark, and nightmarish eye bags that tinted my ever beautiful, angelic face (okay this would be my last lie for today). What made me restless was the thought of seeing again this person whom I don’t want to see anymore; whom I hate to see, that by just remembering his face would already send my stomach turning upside down. I hate him to the marrow of my bones and it’s not an exaggeration. It’s the plain truth.

My encounter to this person whom I met five years ago was among the greatest trials that I had in life. The pain it gave has drilled into me the life’s greatest lessons, of which I would never forget. I trusted this man and almost believed in the surreal possibilities of a good relationship. I was just actually hoping for nothing because it was clear as the water that we were just hanging out on the cliff, and we were bound to fall in the abyss – ah wait no, I WAS BOUND TO THE ENDLESS DEPTH OF THE ABYSS and he was up there by the edge. When I finally realized it I have touched down the bottom with a loud crash – with bones cracked and flesh bruised. I lost myself to this guy and I was left alone as the damaged goods at the end. At that point of my life I felt like a worthless, lifeless creature trapped within the figure of weaved flesh and bones. I didn’t even see myself as a human after all. I was in my lowest, downiest state. The experience was so traumatic that it took me five years before I manage to write this experience.

That was the moment that I first died but I was born again through the Holy Spirit. Though not literally but deep inside I knew I was born again in faith, hope, and love. This love is not the earthly love but the divine love given to us by the God the Father, the love that He sent to the world to wash away our sins and save us from the death and fire of hell. This love is Jesus. In the darkness I went seeking the light and in there, Jesus revealed Himself to me, He lighted up my world and washed me away from the mud of sins.

It took me time to recover; quite a long painstaking time of healing and recuperating. But it was all worth it because I know by now I was healed from the wounds of the past. However, there’s still that bit of hatred at one tiny confused corner of my heart. Or perhaps it isn’t hatred after all but my own fear; the fear of being back to that dark pit that stinks of sins. So I prayed harder because I know that’s the only way that I could get through this. While contemplating on this now, two verses have made it to my ever clogged up, messy brain. First, is the verse which I saw posted on the timeline of my brother:

Get rid of all bitterness, passion, and anger. No more shouting or insults, no more hateful feelings or any sort. Instead, be kind and tender-hearted to one another, and forgive one another, as God has forgiven you through Christ. (Eph 4:31-32)

            It isn’t all that easy, is it? Forgiving the person who hurt you and led you into sins. Instead of forgiving that person, you would rather despise him and wish him to rot in hell. But what if God does the same to us? God has all the reasons to hate us because of our sins. What if He does the same thing – despising us and sending us to burn in hell. What if He doesn’t forgive? The Good News is He does forgive. And that we should too. It’s not an easy thing I know – well, I should know. But it’s part of the whole process of healing. Unless we forgive, we will not be healed. In my case, perhaps I have already forgiven this person but not myself. Thus, I’m healed but not 100%.  Now if you’ll ask me what I will do when I come across with this person again, the answer is I still don’t know. May the Lord guide me at that time and teach me the right thing to do. Would it be best to sit down and put a closure to a long open-ended story? What if he’s still the same person? It would be wrong for me to judge him but you can’t blame me. However, I know now I can talk to him about our past and perhaps this is all what we need to do – to affirm the forgiveness. May the Lord be with us when that time comes.

Keep watch and pray that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. (Mt 26:41)

I have mentioned earlier about my fear of being drawn back to the dark pit. I fear for

such things to happen because I do not trust myself. We, humans are capable of things we have never imagined, both great and worst things. We are fragile to temptation therefore we mustn’t deal with it but do all means to avoid it. However, there comes a time that we are caught up in difficult situation and we got nothing to rely on but our self control. I have proven it effective over time that self control is strengthened by everyday prayers and devotion. It is like a plant that needs to be watered on a regular basis, it is like a human body that needs to be nourished. For your self control to be firm, you’ll need to feed your soul everyday with the words of God because when temptations got you cornered, the Holy Words will be your strongest armour.

            Now that I have realized it, I’m more relieved now. My worries are gone. I’m not alone. I know Jesus will never let me down. May God be with us always. Amen.